I Wanted To Tell You

My ex-boyfriend did not have very good eating habits.

He was a twenty-five year old single dude living with a roommate and other than boiling a pot of water, didn’t really cook.

I remember going to the grocery store with him and watching him put things like t.v. dinners, frozen pizzas and Pringles Light Cheezums in his cart.

One thing he got me hooked on were “Fiesta” style Knorr Pasta Sides, which came in nacho and jalapeno jack.

For some reason, they stopped making them several years back and I sort of missed them. Maybe it was part nostalgia.

Aldi recently started their own brand of them and I noticed them one day while shopping. Even though we haven’t talked in years, I wanted to take a picture and e-mail him right then.

But obviously, I couldn’t.

This happens sometimes. A faint reflex, an urge to say “I still think of you every now and again.”

There are probably many reasons I wish I was still in touch with him. I don’t really dwell on those details like I used to.  So much has changed, so much time has passed.

I think it felt like there was an ellipsis after our “goodbye” that left me feeling confused and unable to deal with the finality of it all.

But eventually I felt all of the strings that once tied us together fall away and whatever used to connect us are small memories, glimmers of the past, and things in the present that remind me of him.

The old him with the old me in our old relationship.

I process this like a death. I convince myself I will not talk to him, will not see him, will not be in his life.

The inside jokes and shared experiences rise on occasion and instead of having to push them down, they retreat all on their own.



One Comment

This resonates. I read it last night after a first date that, incidentally, wound up happening across some of my and the ex-fiancee’s old haunts. Walking after dinner, I saw her ghost at the corner of every intersection and as night fell, it only became more tangible. Uncanny, then, the timing of this post.
“I don’t miss her when she’s gone
No, I don’t miss her when she’s gone
But if you see her, won’t you say I was here?”

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