When You Are In A Deep Depression

* Don’t worry. I have a supportive group of friends and family and already have therapy lined up.

Life is standing in the ocean where your feet don’t touch the bottom. There is a weight tied to your ankle and it prevents you from going anywhere. You don’t want to drown, per se, but swirling your arms in circles to keep afloat can be annoying and tiresome. Even if you could somehow cut the rope, you don’t know where you’d go or why you’d bother to swim. There is nothing in sight except for miles and miles of endless dark water, waves that push you to and fro.

Sleeping sounds like the only thing you want to do. But it also makes you feel kind of terrible and out of it. But you’re so tired. So damn tired. You have no energy and lying down is the only thing that makes sense.

Eating can be pleasurable. Sometimes not, though. You’d prefer to do it alone. You’d prefer to spend $25 on take-out so you don’t have to leave the house and no one is a witness to you hovering over a styrofoam container of something salty, fattening and horrible for you.

You don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Except if you don’t interact with your friends, they will stop calling and maybe stop caring and then you’ll feel worse.

It’s hard to do things like shower or blow dry your hair. Because who cares? You certainly don’t. You are fat and ugly. But maybe you should put on make-up before seeing your boyfriend. He’s been so patient and understanding and if you lost him that just might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

You don’t give a shit about anything. All of the things you loved doing seem completely pointless. Things you should be really excited and happy about are rendered neutral, forgettable. Nice weather days make you feel especially guilty.

The crying for no reason is the worst part. Oh, well, I mean, there is a reason. It could be something happy or sad or totally inconsequential, but something is creating an emotional outburst you can barely contain. The tears and the sniveling come out of nowhere and you’re like a helpless baby, unable to convey exactly what is bothering you.

I’ve been on both sides of depression. Sometimes I’ve managed it with talk therapy. Other times medication. And I have stretches where I don’t feel like I need either. The most important thing is to seek help when things are particularly bad. Life should not be this bleak on a day to day basis. Ask for help. Take the help.

You can’t fight this battle alone.

-Carly

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