Waiting For The Blinking Blue Light

My boyfriend and I don’t text.

He has what I fondly refer to as a “burner” (because I loved The Wire, duh). This means he adds minutes on it to text and talk. Sometimes there are no minutes on it. Sometimes it’s not charged. Sometimes he doesn’t have it on him.

So rarely if ever, does the green flashing message light on my phone mean it’s him, and therefore, my desire to see it has lessened a great deal. Back when I was “dating”, that light could be the difference between going out or staying in.

Instead, we e-mail. My very first message to him was sent through an account I used for OKCupid, one that no one contacts me on. I’ve set up my phone to alert me when that account receives mail since 95% of the time it’s from him. (The 5% is spam.)

There is no real routine to our corresponding, only that, on days when we don’t see one another, we’ll check-in sometime in the late morning/early afternoon, possibly have a few exchanges and maybe a couple at night.

On very rare occasions, I won’t hear back at night.

I won’t be able to sleep. I’ll keep thinking I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and see the faint blue light glowing in the dark.

If I don’t, I’ll wait impatiently for the morning message, justifying in my head that since there’s no certain time I usually hear from him, it could be as late as 2 pm.

Typically I won’t let it get that far, and message him myself. Though that of course means my need to hear back is heightened that much more.

Each hour that ticks by, the anxiety and irritation turn into fear. I make up all kinds of scenarios about why he hasn’t written.

And then he does. It’s usually accompanied by an apology and an explanation and just like that, my mind is at ease.

It just goes to show you that no matter how secure I feel in this relationship, there are still times when I worry he’s going to disappear into thin air.

It’s a defense mechanism I don’t think I’ll ever be fully rid of.

-Carly

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