Being pregnant is weird.
It’s not something I’m thinking about ALL of the time, but for a lot of it, I am.
There are thousands of ways to think about it, and most of the time, I keep a good portion of them to myself because I’m not sure who to say it out loud to.
I don’t know how to ask for advice because for some reason, this is the one time I’ve felt like this experience is so unique and singular, no one will have the right words for me. Which is kind of funny because each of our lives and how we deal with living those lives is an individual experience and yet we are still comfortable calling up a friend or asking the Internet for help.
I feel alone. Sometimes a lot. I can tell because I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time at my parents’ house in the suburbs. And mom, if you’re reading, please don’t be worried about me. It’s been a comfort to be in a familiar place with people I love.
My boyfriend who is endlessly patient, still doesn’t know exactly what I’m going through. Can’t, really. And between my mood swings and crying, I can only ask so much of the guy.
Since finding out I was pregnant, I’ve felt a distance grow with some of my friends. It probably started when I got into a relationship, meaning I’m partly responsible and had less time to spare, but this is also different. I think some of us (“us”) take those first few months to experience that all encompassing “honeymoon period” and our friendships are neglected. But just as I was coming out of that La La Land, I got the news. I don’t want to re-emerge only to dominate the conversation with talks of doctor’s appointments and baby crap. But this is sort of 90% of my day now. Whether it’s what I can or can’t eat, how I’m sleeping, or why I can’t do this or that because of my condition or financial constraints, it’s a reality.
This is not a criticism of them and I know they are here for me. I could pick up the phone and call them for anything. I just don’t. Because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to tell them that sometimes I’m anxious, worried and sad. I don’t want to scare them. I don’t want to interrupt their lives, even though I know that’s what friends are for sometimes. I feel exceptionally needy lately and conflicted about contacting them versus waiting for them to contact me.
I also feel guilt. Guilt that is tied to some notion that I’m undeserving of expressing all of this because I got myself into this situation. Guilt that maybe I wasn’t doing that great of a job building a community I now need. I only want to talk about how excited and happy I am because it seems wrong not to.
This is not some kind of test of my friendships. This is my inability to ask them for something simple like a phone call or initiating a get together. I want to tell them “hey, I still really care about you and want to know what’s going on with you and this is not just about me needing an outlet for all of my un-relatable crap”. In general, I’m navigating new waters with my relationships and I’m sure whatever is happening is in direct relation to how vulnerable I’ve suddenly become.
My friends who are moms have reached out to to give me much needed baby items, which I’m so unbelievably grateful for. They want to know how I feel, to offer positive thoughts and support. But even with them, I haven’t been totally honest and forthcoming with how overwhelmed I feel.
I know that I’m not actually alone in this process. It just seems that way sometimes. Everyday I wake up with this human being inside of me, no way to check its vital signs or see a picture. I feel like the only person who gets this and not because I don’t acknowledge that it’s been done a billion times before.
But because I don’t know how to ask for help dealing with what I’m going through and if anyone will really have the answers I need.
Still, I want you to know: Hey, I still really care about you and want to know what’s going on with you and this is not just about me needing an outlet for all of my un-relatable crap.
I’m sorry if you felt like I’ve abandoned you. I’m sorry that I don’t socialize the way I used to and haven’t quite figured out how to have fun while also feeling the way I have.
Your friendship could really come in handy right now. I just didn’t know how to tell you how much I need you around.