Dating Advice Since I’m No Longer Dating

I used to write a lot about my “dating life”, or lack there of.

There was a good four years that I was not attached and I spent a good portion of that time looking for someone.

And by someone, I knew that I would just know. Sorry for that ineloquent statement, but what I mean is that I was sure when I met the next person that I wanted to be serious with, I would be able to feel it in my gut.

I didn’t think it would take years and I definitely started to worry about when it might happen.

So I tried all sorts of things. I tried going out with guys I wasn’t all that interested in. I tried going on as many dates as possible. I tried filling out a more specific OKCupid profile.

If I did happen to go on a good date, I tried to do all of the right things. Wait the appropriate amount of time to contact them, say all of the right things in a text message, try to decipher and pick a part their messages back to me.

But being away from that for almost a year now has given me perspective that I wish I had been patient enough to accept.

Dating Is Not A Game.

At least, not if what you want in the end is a significant other, partner or husband/wife. You don’t have to play to win.

There is no formula, no perfect wording, no “new way” of thinking and approaching this thing.

Because in the end, there is either some kind of connection or there isn’t. And it doesn’t have to do with anything but fate. I don’t mean destiny, I mean chance.

What I’m trying to tell you is that you’re not doing anything wrong. You do not need to be better looking. You do not have to go out with people who don’t interest you just to give them a chance. You do not need help crafting a better online dating profile.

Because even in a better fitting pair of pants, armed with grammar and interesting words on a screen, you are still you and chemistry is still chemistry.

I’m sorry if that lack of control is driving you insane and making you feel bad about yourself. I’m sorry if you’re spending a lot of time wondering when it’s going to be your turn or if you’ll even have that turn.

Don’t stop trying. Just don’t try to strategize. Go out with people you want to get to know. Ask people out you want to get to know. Talk to strangers. Let friends set you up. Use your online profile however you want to.

Be yourself.

And remember that you are only 50% of every situation, every relationship. That other person also has to spark an interest in you and that isn’t so easy to come by. Attraction? Sure. Lust? Definitely. But desperation? No thanks.

More than likely you already know what this looks like even if it didn’t work out. You know what it’s like when two people click, even if it was only temporary.

Keep this in mind when you’re out there.

It’s frustrating as fuck to not find it right away and worse when it’s been years. It’s hard not to view it as some sort of failure on your part. It sucks to put so much effort and time into something and still end up with nothing.

But it’s worth it to get what you want. It’ll be what both of you will want.

-Carly

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