I’m a little nervous about this month’s theme. The theme is Penis and even typing that out makes my face do this obnoxious little TEE HEE SO EMBARRASSED smirk, and come on. I’ve seen some. I live with two. I’ve got this. This penis. Penis penis pe- aaaahhhhh this is super tough. I’m like Peggy in that one episode of King of the Hill, where she has to teach sex ed and can’t get the word out.

Below is my version of ha-PENIS, my warm-up to talking dong: writing about it until I get used to it, or at least uncomfortable in a way that’s sorta charming. Dick vignettes, if you will. Maybe I’ll post more throughout the month of February. Super romantic. Okay, here we go.

The year is 1991. I’m in first grade at St. Paul’s, hanging out on the schoolyard with Matthew. Matthew is my best friend who’s a boy. Matthew gets in trouble a lot which makes me nervous because I’m a good kid (translation: anxious about everything), but I think he’s funny which is worth the few times I get in trouble by proxy. In some ways, not much has changed. 

It’s recess on a beautiful late summer day. The sun shines off our red plaid uniforms and white blouses. Pretty soon they’ll start filming Sister Act at our school, but that’s not the movie on our minds right now. Matthew has just seen Robocop and he is very into it. He acts out some of the fight scenes, ending with his own twist:

“And then he’s all,” He puts his hands in front of his crotch like he’s holding a giant gun.

“ROBODICK!” And then he’s making noises, pew pew pew pew pew bullet sounds pew pew! Pew!

We shriek and laugh, which encourages him. He spins in a circle, pointing his Robodick at us. More shrieking, we are scandalized, he is so dirty and so bad. He graduates to machine gun sounds, and might have made it to Gatling gun if the yard monitors hadn’t caught wind of to our screams of shocked hilarity.


He brings his hands down, chastened but not permanently discouraged. He’ll do it again tomorrow and we’ll both get disciplined. I will ignore his impressions going forward.

Dick as weapon. Violence, sexuality, etc. A kid doing something for shock value because he knows it’ll work. There’s something behind all this but I’ve used up my energy trying to say that word. You know. It. 




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