Mrs. Potato Head

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago. It went fine. It went great, actually. I went to Rev. Billy’s Chop Shop and Billy did exactly what I asked him to, which was to keep the length (my hair’s super long right now) and get rid of the split ends and general bullshit that comes when you don’t get a haircut for over a year. He cut a few layers in the back but kept it looking blunt and we talked about how my head, my hair, or my head and my hair I don’t remember, is a sculpture and it took all of 15 minutes (seriously that’s how long the cut took he is FAST) for me to feel like a human lady again.

My hair was getting kind of gross but I hardly noticed. I was just sort of used to having a massive nest of fine black hair interspersed with white strands (NATURE’S HIGHLIGHTS AMIRITE LADIES) and, I shit you not, occasional bits of lint.

Note to self: clean your damn house, Jasmine.

Billy asked if I wanted face-framing layers before he started the cut, examining my freshly washed hair in the mirror. Two haircuts ago, this lady at the Hair Cuttery (I KNOW) had cut a bunch of layers towards the back of my head that I was to push forward towards my face to make my hair look thicker or something but it never looked right. I always felt like I had a weird comb-over and the hairs near my face needed some tweaking. I should have said yes but something about the words “face-framing layers” makes me hear, instead, “CAMOUFLAGE FOR FATTY FACE FAT FAT FAT” and I just straight up said no.

I saw my big head and thought of this quote from Judy Blume’s “Blubber”: “Linda’s head is shaped like a potato and sits right on her shoulders, as if she hasn’t got any neck. She’s also the pudgiest girl in our class, but not in our grade.”

I wonder if Blubber might have had it easier if she’d had face-framing layers. Maybe I needed to get out of my head and out of “Blubber” and back into Billy’s chair and just trust him. Maybe I should have taken that beer the lovely receptionist offered when I checked in.

And who cares if my face looks fat because I am an actual person who is actually fat and that is not the actual worst thing in the world.

The longer I sat, in a smock with wet hair, looking at my dumb face, the more I felt like I didn’t look like Linda or Mrs. Potato Head. No offense, Mrs. Potato Head is mad cute for a plastic tuber with questionable taste in headwear and far be it from me to question the appeal of a married woman, spinster that I am.

HOWEVER.

I’m not trying to serve plastic potato realness on the daily.

We kept it long. No face framing layers but layers in the back to make it look blunter. Medium warm blow-dry. Come back in six weeks.

I’ll let Billy give me face-framing layers at my next appointment, if that’s what he wants to do. I want a sort of long choppy bob, less Meg Ryan’s game-changing bob by Sally Hershberger and more if Karlie Kloss’s bob and Chrissie Hynde’s shag in the early 1980s meet in an alley to smoke American Spirits.

If my head is a sculpture, then maybe my face could be a work of art, and this mug is in need of a good frame.

hairstyle goal

hairstyle goal

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6 Comments

Yay! You went to the Chop Shop! I’m getting close to bobbin’ this braid right off, but we’ll see what happens when I actually go next time. Can’t wait to see the result!

    BOB IT BOB IT BOB IT!
    When are you going in? I kinda want to tag along (if only because I want to buy the spritzy stuff he used on my hair after washing it).

Yay! Billy and Amanda are awesome! Amanda is his wife, btw. 😉 After 20 years of dying my hair dark red, I’m going to go apricot (yes, like the fruit) in a couple weeks. And the cut will be short and fun and whatever Billy thinks will good on me. and won’t require a ton of product or time, cuz I don’t do that. I generally always do what Billy suggests. He’s never steered me wrong.

I have not read “Blubber” in a long time but remember just being so mad at everyone in that book for being assholes. Same for Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great. And yet it was sickly fascinating because they were completely different ways of being assholes than the ones I knew from my own 5th grade class or whatever. So historical!

I am having a weird flashback to having my hair cut at this place in the mall in Houston I think getting a spiral wrap perm and them moussing it up to be like a foot high. I had this other weird experience going to get my hair cut for free from a friend of this girl in my creative writing class as long as he could do whatever he wanted (“punk” style) with it and when I went it was to someone’s house that the guy didn’t even live in, he chain smoked, and then ended up shaving the sides of my head with a a straight razor which was interesting yet hellishly creepy and made me really wish I had made that girl from my class go with me. Nothing bad happened and I got an amazing haircut I never would have done on myself. I still use the sort of “product” he told me to use the 4 times a year when it occurs to me to fancy it up; it is d:fi d:struct or something like that and is some sort of wax, that smells like pineapple and is impossible to wash off your hands.

The end. ❤

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