Ex is X

I’m jealous of my partner’s ex-wife.

Because she’s still in contact with him from time to time.

And that makes me wish I could have contact with my Ex.

After all of these years, there is still a part of me that hopes I can have a casual conversation with him some day.

Back when we were actually attempting this, that wasn’t enough for me. I needed more. I needed face time. I needed large pieces of what we’d had in our relationship, which if we looked at it honestly, was more of a friendship than anything else.

I kept trying to claw my way back in. Somehow. Some way.

I haven’t been able to let it go. But the way I feel about it has changed. The time I spend thinking about it has lessened to a passing curiosity; intense, but short lived. We move on because that’s all there’s left to do. Whether or not we meet someone else, we’re faced with another tomorrow, no matter how much we think we’d prefer to redo the past.

One love does not eclipse another. Current events don’t erase memories.

But The Person After is not an understudy. Holes can be closed, gaps can be filled. Happiness is achievable at any time, for any reason.

Am I someone new? Not really. I came into my current relationship with anxiety and depression and baggage. But I also had a little bit of wisdom and enough (not so great) experiences to decide that regardless of my imperfections, I was not going to settle. I was still looking for that same something I thought I’d found eleven years ago. Connection. Honesty. Realness.

I’m different only in the way that we are moving beings covered in double sided tape, picking up things along the way. New jobs. New extra curricular activities. New titles. New outlooks. New attitudes.

Maybe most importantly, new people who make our lives whole again.

In this age of social media, where everyone’s everything is aired out in public fashion, it feels like I’ve been banished from having even the smallest bits of information about my Ex. And yeah, those things are totally none of my business.

It’s just that they used to be. While it may seem wrong or weird to still care, I do.

I want to know how the cat is doing. I want to know how his art is going. I want to know how his family is.

I want to know if he is doing well.

I want to know that wanting to know is not one-sided.

-Carly

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