I just read this stomach turning article on Vanity Fair about Tinder and “hookup-culture”.
I don’t know anything about dating in your 20’s in 2015 and have been out of the game for two years, but I have some thoughts on the matter that I still think are relevant.
The gist of this story is that dating apps have changed the way we interact with people when it comes to finding love, sex and relationships. And the people winning out from this “evolutionary” change are men. Men who now have access to what seems like an endless stream of wanting and willing women are not interested in anything serious, let alone buying you a meal. (Seriously, one guy bragged he only spent $80 total on three different girls. Way to go, bro?)
The problem I had with this whole thing (aside from how gross and obnoxious and probably very true it is for some people), was the idea that women just had to “go along” with this. That men are setting the pace and in order for us to keep up, we have to play the game.
No, ladies you do NOT HAVE TO AGREE TO ANY OF THIS. And the more you do, the worse it’s going to get.
Men (who) want to get laid and will do whatever they have to to make that happen. If the baseline for doing so is that they respect you (and maybe, like, try to get to know you), then they will. If the baseline is that they don’t have to do anything, then they probably won’t.
If someone is an asshole, why are you sleeping with them? If I surveyed women who were OK with casual relationships or not looking for anything serious, most of them probably wouldn’t put one night stands above sex with someone they actually liked/had a connection with/knew for longer than twenty four hours.
I’m not arguing against women having one night stands. I’m arguing that if women don’t want to have one night stands, stop having them. If you want something more meaningful, stop sleeping with someone the first night. If you are actually OK with someone coming over and having sex with you and before you even put your clothes back on he’s looking at Tinder (actual story from this article), I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.
All of the women who want to find someone who will give a shit tomorrow (or, god forbid a week or month from now), you absolutely should stop talking to these dudes who are sending unsolicited dick pics and pizza emojis.
Also, I know it goes against everything we’re taught about being validated as human beings, but just because a cute guy swiped right on you, that doesn’t mean he gets to treat you like a P.O.S. Why do you even care if a jerk who is trying to sleep with someone different every night of the week thinks you’re doable?
I know. I know. Easier said then done. I’ve fallen into this hell hole called “dating” in the not SO distant past. I’ve used online dating sites and apps. I get the temptation. I get the instant gratification. I understand wanting to go with the flow because you feel like the only way you’re going to meet someone is to play it cool. I’ve done this. But in the end, you’re only hurting yourself.
Being alone can suck. But it can’t be worse than sleeping with a douchebag WHO IS APPALLED AT THE IDEA OF CARING ABOUT YOU.
If Every Single Guy is acting like this, then stop interacting with them. Netflix and Grubhub may not help your self esteem, but neither does a “Sup” text at 2 a.m.
Are you jealous of your girl friends who aren’t having orgasms and who hook up with guys who can’t get it up? (Actual anecdotes from young women in the article.)
Yes, these men need to straighten up. These guys who’ve all become pick-up artists because they know how to operate a smartphone all need a lesson in human decency. BUT UNTIL THEN, STOP GIVING THEM THE TIME OF DAY.
If every guy suddenly decided they didn’t want to go down on you anymore, would you all just be like “OK, I guess this is how it is now”?
You don’t have to accept any of this. Please ask yourself why you do. Why do you want someone who is behaving this way to be your dude?
WHEEEEEEEEE, A GUY WHO DOESN’T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME AND TREATS ME LIKE AN INTERCHANGEABLE VAGINA THINKS I’M THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE BALL…FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS!!! ::TWIRLS AND LAUGHS AND TWIRLS AGAIN::
Please don’t misinterpret this message as me telling you to “act like a lady” or play hard to get/make them work or the whole “if he’s getting the milk for free…” crap. I know that’s what it sounds like. What I’m saying is that if this is the new age of dating (as in, this is your first exploration of the like in your late teens, early-mid 20’s) it’s up to you to set the rules. Women: You Are In Control. Stop putting up with this bullshit and they will stop acting this way.
Remind yourself that you are obviously not missing out on anything even remotely great by taking yourself out of the game completely or setting totally reasonable expectations for how someone should treat you.
Or wait it out.
Dating apps are like buffets. We have all of these choices and we want them all. But eventually we get full. Or we zero in on our favorite thing and enjoy that the most. Or we get sick of the buffet because if that’s all we did everyday it would be really gross.
The guys you want are the ones who’ve had their gorge fest (or try it and think “this is not how to meet someone in a real and genuine way”) and finally realize this isn’t actually what they want either. Maybe a guy in his 20’s isn’t there yet. I don’t know.
Look around you. People you know are still in longterm relationships/getting engaged/married/having babies, right? So there’s your proof.
Everything I remember from a lot personal experience is that dating is one of the worst things I’ve ever subjected myself to. It is the most draining thing, heart, body and soul, one can purposely endure. I absolutely acknowledge the disgustingly large amount of horrible behavior you will encounter. But there was no greater feeling than to finally tell myself I wasn’t going to accept any crap and to actually put that in practice. It was the only way to make dating enjoyable (and empowering.)
And when I was totally overwhelmed by all of the indifference and callousness, I deleted those dumb apps and online profiles and went about my business as a single, eligible person who would rather die alone than be treated like a barely human flesh light.
Maybe you could put the phone down (which is probably not what the cool kids do, especially if you’re 22 and living in Manhattan) and meet someone at a party or a bar. Which is what I did.
And if you know me and are thinking to yourself “Gee Carly, I guess I could get knocked up and trap a man”, AT LEAST I CAUGHT A GOOD ONE.