My closest friend moved out of state a week and a half ago.
My partner asked who my next closest friend was and I couldn’t think of anyone.
That was depressing.
Lately, being in the suburbs with a baby has made me feel really out of it.
I can’t say for certain that I resent any of it. It’s just facing the reality of the situation and not knowing how to reconcile it.
I miss being invited to things yet know my answer will be “No” about 90% of the time. Not because I don’t want to, but because it’s hard to say “Yes” the way I used to. Even then, I was fairly particular about what would get me out of the house. But now I’m absent from things like going away parties and birthdays, events I would have made more of an effort to attend.
I think what I really long for are the days I could grab coffee or a meal with a friend. It’s those friends that seem so far away now. I suppose I could try to strike up email relationships with them, but it’s not the same. I’m not even able to do that with friends who’ve moved away that I was once close to.
Unemployment is not what it used to be. I won’t say that being a parent is a “full-time job”, but it isn’t fun and games and Netflix binges and eating in bed and sleeping in until eleven and impromptu diner food with a friend. Perhaps Stay At Home Motherhood is not for me, though I know time is flying and I don’t want to miss out on these months.
The loss of my friend has brought new light to the isolation of suburbia and parenthood that I have often managed to ignore, covered up by being in the company of my partner and parents and a few friends out here who make things survivable.
This in combination with walking around the house, following my son who insists on moving everywhere, touching everything and trying to injure himself at all costs, has made everything seem smaller and more confining.
I wish there was some padded room where he could climb and not commit suicide where I could also be social.
Maybe this is just my veiled way of asking you to invite me over to your somewhat childproofed home. Especially if you live in Northwest Illinois.